Don’t Be An Idiom

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When you get “lost in thought”, how is it that you find your way back so quickly and almost without effort? And when you lose your train of thought, where does it go? If you have a “brain fart”, wouldn’t it make your “head inflate” instead of damaging your self-confidence from embarrassment?

What qualifies you as important enough that your death is an assassination and not just murder? And if you can “push up daisies”, why can’t you push on through and just live instead?

Why do we describe good, peaceful, continuous sleep as “sleeping like a baby” when babies struggle to sleep for more than two or three consecutive hours? And how many times have you physically hit actual hay when you go to bed? Why do we say “go to sleep” if sleep isn’t a location?

How can you “treat someone like crap” if when you “treat” someone you are doing them some sort of favor? If it’s bad to “put someone down” and rude to be “put out with” someone, then where is it acceptable to put people?

If a “rose by any other name [is] just as sweet” then why give it a name? When “calling names” is mean and staring is rude but “throwing things” is worse, how are you supposed to get someone’s attention?

And if you don’t truly care about something and you have no room to care any less, why would you say that you “COULD care less”? Why would anyone “hit books” when all they do is educate people? And isn’t being “stabbed in the back” considered murder?

What does “ring[ing] a bell” have to do with remembering something? What rules do thumbs have? Why does being “under the weather” make you sick only on occasion when the weather is usually above you?

I guess the point I’m trying to make, besides the period at the end of each sentence, is this: English is weird. Feelings and thoughts are already difficult to express without all this extra nonsense to deal with, especially because we’re not playing a game of cards! So give those learning English as a second language a break! But please don’t break anything of theirs. They’re just as confused as the innovators of these absurd phrases.

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