He watches you when you’re sleeping, tracks all your meta-data, breaks into your house once a year, and then has the nerve to eat all your cookies… Millennials are triggered and just fed up with dad-bod Santa Claus, demanding a new holiday figurehead for Christmas time.
Millennials have recently decided after a lifetime of living in fear during the holidays, that it’s time for Santa and his squirrely little elves to go. “It is just not okay for him to break into my mom’s house after he watched me all year long, only to trade some wrapped ugly sweater boxes in exchange for all our holiday baked goods,” said Kyle while drinking his “Bang” on the way to the gym. “And what’s up with the whole cultural appropriation by his elves of the Vulcans and Mr. Spock’s ears?” he continued. “Those little dudes are just creepy; sitting around playing with kid’s toys all year. And, where are the hot girl elves, besides Kendall and Kylie Jenner?”
Christmas has clearly evolved. It’s now a highly stylized holiday photo shoot that storms social-media with selfies and fake posts about feeding somebody’s stray cat and caring about your head-banging neighbors. The idea of supporting an overweight man that eats carbs, gluten, and abuses reindeer undermines everything they’ve worked for to feel exceptional throughout the holiday season. While sipping their spiced chia, pumpkin spice macchiatos in a Starbucks on their laptops scanning TikTok of course.
“Why is it that fat Claus can just storm in one night of the season and take all the credit for the holiday spirit I’ve spun through my playlists, Insta-posts, and pointy festive colored nails? Kids don’t need this sort of role model. We are all winners and deserve to be recognized for even the smallest of sacrifices we put in; like stopping for nuggets at Wendys for my sometimes-vegan roommate on my way home from work. Where is my reward?” explained working mother of one, Karen, in an interview that went on way longer than expected.
A petition, Go Fund-Me, and countless Facebook groups have been created in an effort to cancel Santa once and for all. Authorities have also issued a warning to stay indoors on Christmas Eve as protesters will be out with their blow horns, banners and short-rhyming chants all night.