Thoughts of the Past

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Blooming flowers fill my view. Violet, yellow, and orange. Lilies and poppies. Wild flowers and cultivated flowers. Lining the dirt pathway. Leads to a cliff. Standing on the ledge is Terrence. My high school love. He turns around and smiles. Teeth. Lips. Eyes. He reaches out a hand. One hand becomes three. Kyle and Daniel stand beside Terren. Also reaching out for me. Three hands, three choices, three heartbreaks. No way out. I turn to walk away. One step forward. I look up. They are there. Nowhere to turn. They are always there. Always there. No way out but to choose.

Kyler. My very first love. My best friend. Jokes and laughter. Water bender or fire? Differing music but same TV shows. He moves away. So far away. I fall. Hard. He gets a girlfriend. I get a boyfriend. Bad words. No stopping her now. She cheats. Three years later, he’s back. Wanting a chance. Do I give him one? I moved on. I had to. I don’t want him.

Terrence. A year and a half. Always there for me. For each other. I loved him. More than I knew I could. Dead teacher. Paper throwing and kicking war. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TERRENCE! Suburban. MC sign. Yellow skittle. Playing tennis. First kiss. Otilaym. Dad problems. Friend problems. He goes to court for breaking and entering and theft. Can I be with him? Smoking and drinking? Do I want to be with him? Prom. Driving to Bridge every day. Concerts. Opera. Hockey games. Two dead teachers. I miss him. I shouldn’t but I do. He’s moved on. So should I.

Daniel. Met at work. Problem number one. Liking each other. Three weeks before I move. Start my new life. He says he’ll date someone else after I move. I don’t text back. Go on a date with Kyler. Make him jealous. A week later. Cat picture with cheese-its. We talk again. He still likes me. He was jealous. He doesn’t want me to move. We hang out. Kiss. I move a day later. I love you. Too fast. He gets kicked out. Sad. I try. I’m not a slut. I can’t make him happy. Break up. He moves across country. Facebook. I can’t get far enough away.

Trees. The flowers become trees. Towering and frightening. Looking at all three guys. I do what I can. I run. I run away. I can’t move though. Why? Why can’t I run? Can’t leave the past behind. They are weight. They weigh me down. They trip me. I fall. They stand above me. CHOOSE! Hands. Three hands. One choice. I reach up. Grab my other hand. I chose me.

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